I Feel Change

It is amazing. I really can feel God working in my life. This weekend was a long and hard weekend for me. We were having the Dawson Christmas at our house. I have been working on getting our house organized for a while and I needed to get the house cleaned because for some reason when i organize stuff it seems the house just gets messy. Probably because i am pulling stuff out of one room to put in another room and so on and so forth. Well anyways. I had a lot to do come Fri and Sat. I thought Jon Had Sat. off which gave me great peace. I knew he could watch the kids and I could get my stuff done. Well It didn't work out that way which I don't do good with Change. He had to work. Well I started to get mad because i had so much to do it seemed like and I had to watch the kids as well. Which is not always easy, when I have a lot to do. Well as i was finding my self talking to my self in not such a good way. So I remembered what I read. CHANGE YOUR SELF TALK. I am the only one who can make my self stay mad and I am the one to change it. So i stepped out side and prayed that God would help me change the way I was talking to my self. I started to talk more positive to myself and I changed my self talk. Very Quickly my mood changed. Of course I had to keep reminding my self but I didn't let my self get angry and hold on to it. I let it go and The next day while Jon was working I got my stuff done earlier then i thought I would. Praise God.

1 Peter 1:13 Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.
I love this verse. It is a reminder to control my mind and Have self-control over it. And that is where a lot of anger hides and I can control my mind by preparing it with Gods word and controlling it by the way I talk to my self.

One of the major things that has really helped me is to just HIDE THE WORD OF GOD IN MY HEART. I am not sure where it says that in the bible but that is what we are told to do. I have not always been good with that but I am really trying. I look on Biblegateway.com a lot and just type in a word and read the verses it pulls up. There are so many that I love and remind me of who God wants me to be.

Mornings are the WORST

I dread every morning. That is the worst time of the day for me. I am not a morning person by any means. The kids get up very early for me. They normally get up between 6:30 and 7:00. I know for some of you that is what time you get up or even maybe earlier. No matter what time I go to bed it is hard for me to get up that early. Anyways, When the kids get up that early I have them come get into bed with me. And when one gets up it is they all know it some how and so they all get up. So there I am laying in bed with all 3 kids, They are watching cartoons and for the first 15 to 20 min. I can go back to sleep for a little bit then they start to argue and fight. Then I just lose it. I also start to yell at them to knock it off and to just lay there and watch Cartoons. I hate doing this but I am so tired I just can't get up and function yet. Well God gave me a great Idea to implement with them. (Plus I learned it in Growing Kids but never did it) But he brought it back to my mind. I told the kids they could not get out of bed till I came and got them. And I set my alarm for 7:30 and it worked. The kids stayed in bed till I came and got them. It has now happened for the last 3 mornings. I am happier they are happier. It all is good. I am so glad that God brought that to my attention.

I have been doing some studying on a Cheerful Heart, for that is what I want. Here are some great verses that I have found that really help me.

Proverbs 15:13 A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.
I really wont to to have a Happy heart. I want to look Cheerful to my children and to my husband. I don't want to seem like a bear to them. I love this verse because it just reminds me that when I am a bear I could be crushing there spirit and mine for that matter. When I am in a good mood it makes a huge difference in my home and with my kids.

Proverbs 17:22 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
I got this verse a few weeks ago from my kids School stuff. It was Joslyn's verse to learn for the week and boy did it hit me. It tells me that when I am cheerful I do good things for my kids hearts but when I act as though I have a crushed spirit I am doing no good for my family or for me. I want to have a Cheerful heart so my kids don't follow after me in the wrong way with yelling and getting mad at the drop of a hat. I want them to learn to deal with things in a loving way.

As I write that I know my anger has rubbed off on to them. Which just kills me. When one of them get mad at the other there is no talking it through. There is a lot of yelling and hitting It hurts my heart to see that because where did they learn it from "ME" Just to think I have taught them to treat each other so cruel kills me inside. I know that this can be fixed and I hope that as I change they will also.

Telling yourself the truth

I have been reading a book that a friend gave me and it is very help full. The name of it is "Telling yourself the Truth". It is great and it is teaching me a lot. I have always thought that Anger in any form was wrong and I would always fell guilty for just getting mad. But it is not wrong. It is how you deal with it that is. When I get angry I need to deal with it right then and not stew on it. If I do that then the issue at hand is dealt with and Then I need to just let it go and not keep bring it up in my head. (Which i tend to do a lot) This is what you call self talk. I need to control my self talk and just talk about the problem with the person and then let it lye. It says in Matthew 18:15"If your brother sins against you,[a] go and show him his fault, just between the two of you." That does not mean "Scream at him" or "Prosecute him" not kick things and slam doors so he or she will figure it out" That last one cut me deep. I do that a lot if Jon or the kids make me mad, I will tend to kick this, slam doors. What does that accomplish NOTHING.

In my reading I have also learned "The truthful statement to make when I am angry it I MAKE MYSELF ANGRY." I find myself saying a lot to the kids you are making me so mad. No they are not I am making my self angry because I am being lazy and not just dealing with them and what they are doing which they think it is okay to keep doing it and which then I lose control because I am being lazy and not dealing with the issue at hand. (That is hard for me to admit)

Here are a few Questions that I need to ask my self. " What things am I telling my self that causes me to stay angry?" The answer to that question is hard for me. I tell my self so many things. When it comes to my kids I think why in the heck are they not obeying me I am there mom and what i says go's no matter what. Well I need to teach them to obey me. They are sinners to just like me and if they are not taught then they will never learn. At different times there are other things that cross through my mind and as I learn what i say to my self I will share them.

The second question which is a hard one. "Why do I insist that someone Else is making me upset when I am the only one who can make myself angry and Keep myself angry." The reason I do this is because of Pride. I don't want to admit that I am the one at fault for getting angry and so instead of dealing with it I will just stew in it (which makes me more angry) In stead of letting my pride fall and being humble I will just keep on being angry because I think that I have the right. Man I have alot of Pride. I read this over and I sound pretty stupid. It is funny to me that I see some one like that and I look down on them or judge them and the hole time i need to be looking in the mirror. How stupid that I can say those things to someone else or think them but not to my self.

Through this walk already I have really learned a lot about myself. I am a very selfish, prideful, Lazy person and those are just a few things i have learned so far. It has not been easy but i really can feel god molding me into the person he wants me to be.
Jeremiah 18:4 But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.
Marred-disfiguring mark; a blemish. I really like this verse. I had some disfiguring marks and some blemishes but now God has me in his hands and is Molding into his pot and teaching me new ways. Just thinking about that makes me cry. God loves me so much, I have been saved for a really long time and he just keeps molding me. Even when i am stubborn and don't want to be he just keeps at it. He keeps teaching me new things. I put blemishes in the clay but then he takes his time to work them out and turns me into a new pot he doesn't leave the blemish or disfiguring in the clay he works them out every time i put one there. Isn't that just amazing to think about.

Well I want to thank all of you for your prayers once again. I really can feel them and i greatly appreciate all your love and support.

The Battle Begins

I will tell you as I was writing yesterday I was having one of my worst days. I could really feel the battle in me. Satan does not want to let me go in the area that he has the foot hold on. I know this is going to be a hard road but for me it seems very scary to go down. A friend gave me a great verse yesterday that really encouraged me. I leave you peace, It is my own peace I give you in a different way then the world does, so don't be troubled , don't be afraid. John 14:27 What a great verse. It brings great comfort to me. How amazing is it that we have the freedom not to worry or be afraid because we have God to take care of us and to look out for us. We just have to trust him.

As i was struggling yesterday God brought to my mind that I have to be in control of everything and if one little thing messes up my plan then i just get mad and start to yell. I need to let him be in control not me and I need to lay all those troubles in his hands and he will take care of it. Now i say that but that is not easy as many of you may know. Psalm 68:19 Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. This verse is just a reminder for me to lay my burdens down for he will carry then for me. That is just so awesome to know that the cares that much to do that just for me.

You know God brings trials into our life to grow and if we just stayed where we were we could never better the Kingdom and we could not be a light unto the world as we are commanded to do. I hope to get the victory i so strive for to bring more people to Christ and show them that God cares and loves then.

Here are some verse that I look at every time I get angry just to remind me what God thinks about Anger.

Proverbs 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
Self control is my ultimate goal. I look at this verse and it reminds me to gain control of my self before I do sin.

Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin" : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
With this verse I have to remember that it is not wrong to be angry but the way you handle yourself when you are angry can be the problem. For me when I am angry I yell some times curse, and all of that is wrong.

Psalms 18:32 It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
When I find my self getting angry I just look to God for he will Bring me strength to get through the situation that is making me angry. It is amazing when I do pray that I just seem to defuse and I can deal with the situation in the right manner. Most of the time those situations just end up being with the kids. I don't find my self getting angry with other people but just my kids and some times with Jon. I wish i would remember to pray for strength every time I got angry then I would be able to deal with it but when i am over the top my mind just doesn't work right I feel like any ways.

For those of you who are following me on this road please pray for strength for me. I have been getting really bad headaches and that just makes it worse to control my self. I have been getting one almost every day this week. Thanks to all of you for all your prayers and for walking beside me on this road.

My Battle Within

I am going to be opening my heart. Ever since i can remember I have Dealt with Anger. As i was growing up there was a lot of that in my home. That is how i learned to deal with things when I got up set. I would yell, beat my brother up or smack my sister. As my life growing up got better and The Lord came into our home all the Anger with in the house got better. I still had a lot of Anger in me but I could control it for the most part Till......

You know how you always tell your self that you are not going to be like your parents or there are things that you will change when you have kids of your own and you will not treat them the way you were treated. Well i always said that. I grew up in a home where we went to church every Sunday and wen. but in are home he was not talked about a lot that i can remember. When I hit the age 12 my family changed a lot. God became more important in our home. My parents tried to be good christian parents but I think at the age I was in it was to late to real deal with stuff with me. (If you understand that) The foundation was already laid.

Anyways, I had my first child and things we great. I had control of life and I had not been angry for years, Then things started to get hard. I would go nights where he would not sleep and would just lay in my arms crying and crying I would get so mad and frustrated. Then we figured out why he was up all night then fixed it then i was fine. I now know that i was also dealing with some Postpartum depression at the time as well. Didn't know it then but i do now. Then a year and a half later we had Joslyn. Joslyn was a great baby compared to what i dealt with with David. But then David was almost 2 and entering in to the TERRIBLE 2's There were time's i would get so frustrated with him because he would not listen and things just were not going my way. (Like I liked it) I still pretty much had my anger under control. Then we had Samuel. This is when things went down the drain. I ended up with Pretty bad Postpartum Depression. This is when my anger started to get the best of me. And it was mainly with David. This part is very hard for me to talk about. I remember the worst day ever. David would not lay down and take his nap and I really needed him to. Everyone was sleeping and I needed a break. I got so mad at him i took him in to his room slammed him on his bed and just squeezed his arms (Later there was bruising). I hit him a couple of times then i just walked out of the room. I came back in a couple min. later just crying so hard. I could not be leave what I had just done to him. Then i knew that I was dealing with the postpartum depression and seeked help. Just going back and thinking about that I sit here and cry. That was my first really turn around on the Anger. Then it just got easier and easier to get mad a yell. I got on Antidepressants at that point. I still got angry but not as bad and just yelled a lot.

Well now i am going to jump 2 1/2 years later. I have really been seeking God and wanting to change who i am and I have been battling with anger really bad for the last 2 1/2 years. It almost caused me and my husband to split. But through Christ that did not happen. I have been doing a lot of seeking and praying and God has laid some verses on my heart and told me to reach out for help which i have done and I have meet with a women for the first time last week. And this is where the recovery and the trail to victory all starts.

Thanks for reading and I hope you will continue with me on the journey of recovery that I hope will lead to victory.