My Battle with Depression

One of the battles I have dealt with most of my life has been with Depression. I can make my self get in to a deep Depression just by snapping my fingers. I hate that it is that easy for me to get there. But I now know that I put my self there. Then once I get there it is not that easy to get out.

In the last 2 1/2 Years I have dealt with it the worst and it is the longest that I have ever dealt with it. They would put me on Anti-depressants they would work a little but not totally. On the out side I would seem fine but on the inside I just hated myself and My life. I am not saying that I didn't like being a mom or a wife I just didn't like how life was going and how I treated my kids and Especially Jon. And because I felt that way I just kept getting myself deeper and deeper into depression.

As I have really devoting my life to God and with God's help I have done a lot of soul searching and I have handed a lot to God that I never gave him control in and I can truly say that I am no longer Depressed and I am more happy today then I have ever been in. Now i know that if I take my eyes off of God then I will most likely fall back in to Depression quickly.

One of the things God has shown me to help me to deal with my emotions is Exercise. Which I know do 5 to 6 days a week. It has really helped me to feel better about my self. Exercise is not just to help you lose weight or to make you look good it also helps you feel good. I can always feel a huge difference from before I do them to after. I would say that exercise it one of the things that has helped me the most get out of my depression. It has truly turned my life up side down. I have more energy to get my stuff done in my home. For the most part I always have a clean house. It helps me to stay more in tuned with my emotions because I am more alert then ever.

I just have to say one more thing. I AM HAPPY AND IT FEELS GREAT!!!!!!!!

The Road Never Ends

As we all walk down our paths that God has given us we have to remember that the road never ends. We all stray from are original paths and have to jump over hurtles to reach our goals that we all are striving for. What is it in your life that you are struggling with or the Hurtles that you have to jump. Maybe you have stayed from Gods path and are on your own trying to figure out how to get back.

Today I was thinking to my self where am I on my road. As I have been working to get back on Gods path for my life I realized that my road will never end until the day Christ Calls me home to be with him. I will always have my hurtles to jump or other paths that will tempt me But will I chose the right path or the wrong one. In the past I have for the most part chose the path that will get me a way form God. I am now trying really hard to listen to God and to follow him. But the only way I can hear him is to keep reaching for him and not putting him on a shelf when I need him.

For example, This weekend I was really busy. Samuel was a ring bear in a wedding my Van broke down and I was doing all the hair for the wedding as well. So Because I was busy I just put God on my shelf and left him there. I had the worst weekend. My attitude was just horrible. I kept getting mad at everything and I could feel myself getting further from God. Which actually I was pushing him away but I can not really get far from him because if I would have just stopped and turned around he would have been there with arms open wide. Isn't that just amazing to think if we would just stop running and just turn around he is still there with Loving arms to embrace us. Anyways, Yesterday I could just feel that I was in a funk and I hate to feel that way. So this morning I stopped what I was doing and Just took time to talk to God and to listen. I can not say that every thing is great but I will say that i am Much calmer and I am not as frustrated with the world that I am in.

One of the things that I have to remember is that my road never ends and there will always be hurtles ahead and Paths that will tempt me but as long as I am keeping my mind on Christ I will be able to avoid temptation and leap over those hurtles that are a head of me.

Prioritys

Yesterday I had an incidents that broke my heart and made me realize that my priority's were a little messed up. I was in the kitchen doing dishes and Cleaning the kitchen. I had the kids playing in there rooms. When ever I am cleaning I hate to get interrupted and have to stop doing what I am doing. Well Samuel had to go to the bathroom and I was fine with that, I took him and I was trying to get him to hurry because he was messing around and he was going poop which takes longer since he is only 2. I kept telling him to hurry and to stop messing around because I had things to get done. Well soon as he was done I was putting his pants back on and he lunged forward and wrapped his little arms around my neck really hard and said "I Love You" And he kept saying it. I started to cry because I realized that My Children need to come before my house work and I was not doing that. God used Samuel to show me that and what a sweet way to show.

As I have been walking down this road I can really feel my legs getting stronger. I fall a lot less. As I have been leaning on Gods strength and depending on him I can get through my days a lot easier and I have more JOY in my days. There are still times when I raise my voice to a level that was not needed but with time I know that will get better. I know that things just will not change over night. But I have really learned how to lean on God all the time and not just when I need him. When I am really having a hard time I have learned to just pray a lot and it calms my spirit.

My biggest prayer that I have been praying a lot is that I will have a Meek and Quiet Spirit.

I just Praise God for his grace. If it was not for that we would not be here or be able to enjoy heaven with him one day.

My Relationship with My Lord

I was sitting at light house last night (Which is a group from our church) and we were talking about battles that we struggle with and one of them said that "When your relationship with God is strong then everything just falls into place and struggles are just easier." As I sat there and ponder that. I thought to myself. "Where is my relationship with my Father?" Well the answer to that is not good. Yes I read the bible a couple times a week but do I really apply to my life? Well some of it yes but not really. Am I praying all the time or just when I need him? Well I was just praying when I needed him not all the time and all day.

When my relationship with God is where it is growing and I am looking to him all day then that is what I am thinking about. Is what I am about to do for God or for my selfish desires? Am I doing God's work or am I doing it for myself to make me look good or feel good? Well i have now devoted my life 100% to God and I am going to make him my number one priority first then go down the line of other priority's.

You know I have been saved for most of my life and I am now 26 years old and just now getting it. I have known all this but never applied it to my life. It is sad really. How can I be the women I am suppose to be with out God. He is the one that will give me the strength to deal with life. Not myself. One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through CHRIST who Strengthens me. That does not mean that Brandy can do all things but it means that I can only do all things with Christ for he is the one who gives me my Strength. Something I wrote in my Journal today was "My Strength is NOTHING with out GOD" That is something that I really want to keep my mind on.


Lord,
Thank you for your Strength and Compassion. With out you nothing is possible. Today I hand over everything in my life. I want to look to you in everything. You are my daddy and I want to treat you as that. Not just someone who is convenient when I need them but the one that I need the most and all the time.

I love you
Brandy

My Heart

Well, I just fell down on my road. I got mad and instead of dealing with it appropriately I yelled and got really mad. I can feel Satan trying really hard to get me to continue to stay in that state of mind but I am fighting him and praying for God to deliver me from my thoughts of anger. I know that this happened because I let my guard down for just a little bit. I had just finished doing my devotions and then bam I lost my footing for a few moments. I went back and fixed my anger towards Samuel and disciplined him in the right way. I guess that is all you can do when you fall. Stand up brush it off and move on. Not sit there and dwell in it and keep thinking about how bad Samuel was and just keep making myself more mad. Just direct my mind back to God ask for forgiveness and move on. That sounds so easy but it can be so difficult.

Last night I started back into my book "Telling Yourself the Truth" What a great book. I started to read the chapter on self control. As I have said before i struggle with that. Here are a few things I have read that i want to implement in to my life.

Things that I tend to tell my self are. " I cant stand it if circumstances aren't the way i want them to be. I may "endure" things as they are , but they are terrible and I will let that be know." What a horrible way to think right. But I always want what i want and I hate that. I need to think about others as well and not just my self and I can control this by thinking of others first and not myself.


"I can't quite because i am too weak and besides, even though ______ is bad for you , it meets my needs for gratification." There are 2 major things in my life that fit in that blank. One of them is food, and the other I am just not ready to tell yet, which I know some of you may be thinking just tell us we will not judge you. But that is a major problem for me and I am having a hard time letting it go. Now for the food, that is one area that I am working on very hard. I am changing my mind set on that and that food if a source of fuel and not something to gratify my needs or eat because I am up set. Now for the other thing, It is nothing that is damaging to my family or is going to mess up my marriage. Jon does know about it. And so does most of my family it is just one thing that just helps me unwind when I get upset and i fell like I need it. I know that with God i can over come this and later I will let you know. What I do ask of you is to pray for me in that area.

One of the things it said in the book that hit hard was, " If you think and tell yourself you can't control yourself, you probably won't be able to" "You control your feelings by your thinking" Just think if we all changed the way we think where would we be today. No one can hear what we say to ourselves except for God that is and we can say what ever we want to ourselves and we don't have to deal with anyone hearing it. It is a safe place we think but then what does it do to you to continue to think bad things that if it was said out loud it could hurt someone. If we stopped talking to ourselves in a bad way and started talking to our selves in a good way, How would we treat others in return and how would we feel about ourselves? Something I have been pondering my self and trying to change and not dwell on the bad things but to put my mind where it needs to be. ON GOD.

Here is a verse that I read today that just reminded me of what i am trying to do and is an encouragement to me.

Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. What a great verse to store in my heart.

In my devos the lady said. "The Lord has given us everything we need to run our race, but we need to prepare, and by doing so will gain victory in our trials and finish strong" Lynn Cowell.

To prepare she is talking about digging in to the word and storing it in our hearts and to build our relationship with God daily and talking to him continuously. Not just when the trial comes your way but everyday. That is one area that I have struggled with a lot. To get into the word everyday or even once a week for that matter. I have never been good at doing that. Praying I didn't do that very well either. Just when I needed him. I am trying to talk to him all through the day. The days that I do that I seem to be able to keep my mind on him and not on what is going wrong that day.

My father,

Give me your strength to deal with my mind. To get rid of evil talk and to put nothing but your word there. Lord I know I can do all things through you for you give me your strength do deal with everyday things and with the trials that come down my road. Lord help me to gain Victory in my life and to overcome my anger. Which i know can be done but only with you. I can not do this all on my own. I will fail if I don't put you first and look towards you for the strength I need. Lord you are awesome and mighty. I love you. Please forgive me for my blow up today. Help me to build your character in me and in my children. I want them not to follow me down the road I took but to follow you down the road you have chosen for them. Help me to teach them the right way to deal with anger and trials as well. In your name AMEN.

The Growth Within

It is amazing to me. There are days that I can feel great change, then there are days that I feel like such a failure. I know that I will have bad days and good days but those bad days really are hard. I feel a lot of change. When ever I feel my self getting mad I just (as kailan says) Take a time out. It has really helped me. There are still times when I have a hard time controlling my anger. Those times happen when the kids just will not listen and I have to keep telling them over and over again. Which I know i should just discipline them at that point but I tend to get lazy in that area at times. Like today, I am not feeling well and it is all I want them to do is listen and play with what i give them and to just be good. But that never happens. At this very min. they are fighting and I can feel my self getting frustrated........... Okay that is now solved. With no yelling, Thanks God. Moving on.

God has been revealing some other issues that I with him need to address to myself and be real with my self. I can tend to be a lazy person. I hate this. I use to not be like this but now it is a battle I struggle with daily. I get my stuff done but not with the right heart or mind. And i will tend to get my house work done half way. Or I will pick up one room and think that is good enough for me and be done for the day. I have been praying that God will help me with giving me a happy heart when it comes to doing my house work and to let me see it as a ministry to my husband and my children. I am here to be a help mate to my husband. Which means I need to do what ever I can to make things easier for him. And doing the house work is one of those things. So being lazy in that area can possibly say to him that I just don't care what you think or want. Which is not why I am not getting everything done it is just me being lazy. I want Jon to feel like I love and respect him and I need to remember that when I am doing my house work.

Earlier in my blog I had also said that I was dealing with Self Control. Which I do still deal with that a lot. That is one area that may be that hardest for me to over come. But I know that Growth in baby steps lasts. If you expect change over night you are setting your self up for failure because that will never happen. It can take weeks even years to change. The more open you are to God the faster it will be but you will deal with different things your whole life. We are not perfect people so we will always have struggles in life.

As i have been praying and getting into the word. I can feel God asking me to let go of things that I am holding on to very tight and there are many things that I hold on to. The most recent thing is Samuel. I know that may sound weired to some of you. He is my baby but when my niece died at 3 months old Samuel was 6 months old and I have tried to keep him there. I held on to him so tight for 2 years and just wanted him to stay my baby forever. He is a blessing to me and I didn't want to lose that baby in him because I didn't want to deal with Sarah's death and I felt so grateful that I could keep my baby but at the same time so guilty because i still had my baby. Because I was feeling like that I clung to Samuel so tight that I would just let him do what ever he wanted because he was my baby and I didn't want to lose that. Well now I have been working on letting him grow up. Which he has been doing but i have not been seeing it or even letting him. Which is not fair to him. I expected him to be my baby forever and I have now released him from that. And i have been working on grieving Sarah. I know all this may seem weird to some of you. This was really hard for me to let go. I find my self some days just trying to cling to him again and have to remind myself again that he is not a baby and to let him be 2 1/2 years old and not 6 months old.

Matthew 11:28-29 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Sorry there is a lot in here but it has been a while since i have written. I just want to thank all of you for your prayers and your support in this battle. I can feel your prayers and it is nice to know I am not a lone in this walk.

WHY????????

I know that I just wrote that I had a great weekend and am really learning how to control my self. But then I wonder as this day has gone on I find my self wondering why do I get over whelmed so easy. Last night was a really long night. Samuel was up all night throwing up. Which means I lost a lot of sleep. And you all know how I need my sleep. Well now I find my self getting very frustrated with the kids. Each kid has a set schedule of what the do during the day. They are in an activity for about 45 min each. They switch toys and rooms that they are in. A lot of the time it is like pulling teeth to get them to sit and play with there toys or what ever i have them doing at that time. Samuel tends to be my worst. If he can not be sitting on my lap all day he is a mess and cries all day long. I know today he may not feel so good so I use common sense and give some. But every thing seems to happen at once. This is where I just lost it. Samuel Pooped all over him self, The dog needed out David and Jolsyn know that i am preoccupied so they think they can do what ever they want. Which hello I can hear you and know you are not where you are suppose to be. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. I start yelling at them. I now have poop all over me and Samuel. I have now really lost it. The dog by now has peed on the floor David and Joslyn keep running in to the bathroom yelling how gross the poop is and the smell and i just want to hide in a corner and cry. I can feel my heart racing in side me and i am having a hard time wrapping my mind around how to deal with all of it. Then i just scream as loud as i can inside. These are the moments I have a hard time dealing with. AM I THE ONLY ONE??????

A lot of time I think am I doing something wrong. My desire is to be a great mom and wife and i feel like I fail at that all the time. Why??? Do I expect to much of my self. I wonder, do am I just not strong enough but then I know that all my strength comes form God so i know i am for he gives me strength. This is just all so hard for me. I want to be the best Wife and Mom but i just don't know if I am or can be. But through Christ all is possible. Philippians 4:13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength. This is a verse i need to keep in the front of my brain always. I know this is so easy to say but then to do it is another thing. For i am sure alot of you understand that. I HOPE! Please pray with me that the strength will come and that I will calm down.

Sorry I know a lot of this is venting frustration but I Rather do it on here then at the kids. Or to my self. Thanks for listening. I love you all.