The Growth Within

It is amazing to me. There are days that I can feel great change, then there are days that I feel like such a failure. I know that I will have bad days and good days but those bad days really are hard. I feel a lot of change. When ever I feel my self getting mad I just (as kailan says) Take a time out. It has really helped me. There are still times when I have a hard time controlling my anger. Those times happen when the kids just will not listen and I have to keep telling them over and over again. Which I know i should just discipline them at that point but I tend to get lazy in that area at times. Like today, I am not feeling well and it is all I want them to do is listen and play with what i give them and to just be good. But that never happens. At this very min. they are fighting and I can feel my self getting frustrated........... Okay that is now solved. With no yelling, Thanks God. Moving on.

God has been revealing some other issues that I with him need to address to myself and be real with my self. I can tend to be a lazy person. I hate this. I use to not be like this but now it is a battle I struggle with daily. I get my stuff done but not with the right heart or mind. And i will tend to get my house work done half way. Or I will pick up one room and think that is good enough for me and be done for the day. I have been praying that God will help me with giving me a happy heart when it comes to doing my house work and to let me see it as a ministry to my husband and my children. I am here to be a help mate to my husband. Which means I need to do what ever I can to make things easier for him. And doing the house work is one of those things. So being lazy in that area can possibly say to him that I just don't care what you think or want. Which is not why I am not getting everything done it is just me being lazy. I want Jon to feel like I love and respect him and I need to remember that when I am doing my house work.

Earlier in my blog I had also said that I was dealing with Self Control. Which I do still deal with that a lot. That is one area that may be that hardest for me to over come. But I know that Growth in baby steps lasts. If you expect change over night you are setting your self up for failure because that will never happen. It can take weeks even years to change. The more open you are to God the faster it will be but you will deal with different things your whole life. We are not perfect people so we will always have struggles in life.

As i have been praying and getting into the word. I can feel God asking me to let go of things that I am holding on to very tight and there are many things that I hold on to. The most recent thing is Samuel. I know that may sound weired to some of you. He is my baby but when my niece died at 3 months old Samuel was 6 months old and I have tried to keep him there. I held on to him so tight for 2 years and just wanted him to stay my baby forever. He is a blessing to me and I didn't want to lose that baby in him because I didn't want to deal with Sarah's death and I felt so grateful that I could keep my baby but at the same time so guilty because i still had my baby. Because I was feeling like that I clung to Samuel so tight that I would just let him do what ever he wanted because he was my baby and I didn't want to lose that. Well now I have been working on letting him grow up. Which he has been doing but i have not been seeing it or even letting him. Which is not fair to him. I expected him to be my baby forever and I have now released him from that. And i have been working on grieving Sarah. I know all this may seem weird to some of you. This was really hard for me to let go. I find my self some days just trying to cling to him again and have to remind myself again that he is not a baby and to let him be 2 1/2 years old and not 6 months old.

Matthew 11:28-29 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Sorry there is a lot in here but it has been a while since i have written. I just want to thank all of you for your prayers and your support in this battle. I can feel your prayers and it is nice to know I am not a lone in this walk.