My Battle Within

I am going to be opening my heart. Ever since i can remember I have Dealt with Anger. As i was growing up there was a lot of that in my home. That is how i learned to deal with things when I got up set. I would yell, beat my brother up or smack my sister. As my life growing up got better and The Lord came into our home all the Anger with in the house got better. I still had a lot of Anger in me but I could control it for the most part Till......

You know how you always tell your self that you are not going to be like your parents or there are things that you will change when you have kids of your own and you will not treat them the way you were treated. Well i always said that. I grew up in a home where we went to church every Sunday and wen. but in are home he was not talked about a lot that i can remember. When I hit the age 12 my family changed a lot. God became more important in our home. My parents tried to be good christian parents but I think at the age I was in it was to late to real deal with stuff with me. (If you understand that) The foundation was already laid.

Anyways, I had my first child and things we great. I had control of life and I had not been angry for years, Then things started to get hard. I would go nights where he would not sleep and would just lay in my arms crying and crying I would get so mad and frustrated. Then we figured out why he was up all night then fixed it then i was fine. I now know that i was also dealing with some Postpartum depression at the time as well. Didn't know it then but i do now. Then a year and a half later we had Joslyn. Joslyn was a great baby compared to what i dealt with with David. But then David was almost 2 and entering in to the TERRIBLE 2's There were time's i would get so frustrated with him because he would not listen and things just were not going my way. (Like I liked it) I still pretty much had my anger under control. Then we had Samuel. This is when things went down the drain. I ended up with Pretty bad Postpartum Depression. This is when my anger started to get the best of me. And it was mainly with David. This part is very hard for me to talk about. I remember the worst day ever. David would not lay down and take his nap and I really needed him to. Everyone was sleeping and I needed a break. I got so mad at him i took him in to his room slammed him on his bed and just squeezed his arms (Later there was bruising). I hit him a couple of times then i just walked out of the room. I came back in a couple min. later just crying so hard. I could not be leave what I had just done to him. Then i knew that I was dealing with the postpartum depression and seeked help. Just going back and thinking about that I sit here and cry. That was my first really turn around on the Anger. Then it just got easier and easier to get mad a yell. I got on Antidepressants at that point. I still got angry but not as bad and just yelled a lot.

Well now i am going to jump 2 1/2 years later. I have really been seeking God and wanting to change who i am and I have been battling with anger really bad for the last 2 1/2 years. It almost caused me and my husband to split. But through Christ that did not happen. I have been doing a lot of seeking and praying and God has laid some verses on my heart and told me to reach out for help which i have done and I have meet with a women for the first time last week. And this is where the recovery and the trail to victory all starts.

Thanks for reading and I hope you will continue with me on the journey of recovery that I hope will lead to victory.